Updated: Oct 11, 2021
My dear friend who is sharing her story asked to remain anonymous. She wanted to stress the centrality of the gospel for true healing for men and women from the sin of abortion. See Randy Alcorn's "Finding Forgiveness After an Abortion"
It was the summer of 1995, I was 20 years old and living my life in total freedom, or so I thought. I had been dating my boyfriend for eight months. We were happy and I saw we could have a future marriage and family together, but just not at that time.
I was late getting my period, deep down I knew I was pregnant. I was not as good at taking my birth control pill as I should have been, but my boyfriend didn’t know that.
Ethical Concerns & Birth Control Failure Rate Percentages HERE
I was a very fearful person…fearful of people not liking me, fearful of being a disappointment to anyone. I had been raised by an alcoholic mother and an emotionally-absent father. I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for something bad to happen. My relationship with my mother was volatile and I had no relationship with my dad unless I was in trouble. I was conditioned to never rock the boat and I never felt safe sharing my thoughts or opinions for fear of being yelled at and judged.
I was conditioned to believe that other people’s happiness was more important than my own. I did not have Jesus in my life but I always had the sense that God could see me and knew me. I didn’t understand Jesus loved me and wanted a relationship with me. I filled my existence with people-pleasing and looking for love from people. I tried to fill the void in my heart and numb my depression and anxiety with partying and unhealthy behaviors.
"I didn’t understand Jesus loved me and wanted a relationship with me. I filled my existence with people-pleasing and looking for love from people."
It was July and my boyfriend and I spent a lot of time partying and living it up. We had just had a big bash at his house for the Fourth of July. I was waiting until after the party to tell him I thought I might be pregnant for fear of ruining his good time. I had bought a pregnancy test. The line indicating a pregnancy appeared instantly. I had expected it to be positive, but of course I was hoping it wouldn’t be. I showed him the result and got a lot of silence. Silence was terrible to me because silence meant rejection. We didn’t talk about how we were feeling, about having a baby.
A few days later we drove around looking at houses to rent. I was still living with my parents but spent most nights at his house so moving in together seemed ok to me. I was surprised he was thinking about living together—he didn’t tell me he wanted the baby and I didn’t tell him what I wanted either. As we were looking at those houses, a big black cloud loomed over my head, there was a somber feeling. I sensed no joy in a future together because my boyfriend acted disappointed at the situation. He continued in his silence and I was afraid to create conflict so I left the subject alone. I didn’t know what to do with all my emotions so I stuffed them down and acted nonchalant. I didn’t want to mess things up with him.
The next several days I felt very depressed and alone. I went to my ob/gyn and he congratulated me on the pregnancy. I didn’t feel like being congratulated, I wanted to cry and be hugged. I wanted someone to ask me how I was feeling and what my thoughts were about my situation. I was not told how far along I was. The doctor didn’t ask me how I felt about being pregnant or about any concerns I may have had.
I had many fears about the pregnancy: my drinking and smoking, my genetic history of severe hemophilia (a genetic bleeding disorder that would affect any sons I may have), being 20 years old and unmarried, living in my parents’ house, not having a college degree and lacking the resources to care for a child. I still felt like a child myself. I kept all of these feelings inside and the devil used these fears to persuade me to just “get rid of the problem”.
From the time I was a young girl my mother had taught me that if I were to eventually become pregnant with a boy, because of the risks of his hemophilia, I should have an abortion. I grew up hearing that if I had been a boy, she would have aborted me.
Two of my closest friends had already had abortions; they seemed perfectly fine afterward. I believed the lie that if you abort early enough, the baby is just a “clump of cells”. Deep down I knew that I had a child growing inside of me. I stuffed my conscience down and refused to listen to the Holy Spirit. I thought it would be easier to “dispose of the problem” than to confront my fears.
"I believed the lie that if you abort early enough, the baby is just a 'clump of cells'. Deep down I knew that I had a child growing inside of me."
I told my mother and a couple of friends that I was pregnant and was met with more silence. I had become very numb and had resolved in my heart that I had no support in keeping the baby. One very early morning I could not sleep so I went outside and sat on the steps of my boyfriend’s house. It was there that I made the final decision to abort. When my boyfriend awoke, I told him. He just said, “Ok.” No debating, no what-ifs. I immediately called an abortion facility near my parents’ home and scheduled an appointment. Once I had made up my mind, I wanted to do it as soon as possible. I believed the earlier in the pregnancy I aborted, the less guilty I would be of killing my child.
The day came and my boyfriend and I did not talk at all about how the thought or act of abortion made either of us feel, what we thought of our future together or how we viewed our child. Just more silence. I felt totally alone, like I was on an island.
We arrived at the abortion facility and immediately had to pre-pay for their services. I had no idea what to expect or what would be done to me and my baby. When we got to the waiting room I looked around and saw very sad faces, all different ages and colors of women sitting there waiting for the same thing I was. A facility worker took all of us women into a small room where we watched a video that glamorized abortion, images of women moving on with life and pursuing future dreams.
"A facility worker took all of us women into a small room where we watched a video that glamorized abortion, images of women moving on with life and pursuing future dreams."
I was then taken to a room for one-on-one counseling with a facility worker, however, it was not counseling. She asked me if I had thought about my options and if I really wanted to have an abortion. I had never talked about any other options with anyone and I told her that I had made up my mind that I was going to do this thing and move on. But part of me was still holding back a little and if someone had truly counseled me, I could have seen my situation in a different light.
"...part of me was still holding back a little and if someone had truly counseled me, I could have seen my situation in a different light."
Next was the medical assessment. My blood pressure was low and that was a concern to them, but they proceeded anyway. I did not tell them I had a bleeding disorder. I did not ask them any questions about the surgical procedure and they did not offer any information to me regarding what I was about to go through.
I was then taken to a room to change into a gown and then I was led to a small ultrasound room. As the tech performed an ultrasound, she told me I was six weeks pregnant but when I raised up my head to look at the screen, she turned it away from me and gave me a disapproving look. I thought that was very odd, why wouldn’t she let me see my baby? Now I know why. I may have changed my mind when I saw my baby’s heartbeat. I just brushed this off as another moment of silence, I did not question or argue.
"As the tech performed an ultrasound, she told me I was six weeks pregnant but when I raised up my head to look at the screen, she turned it away from me and gave me a disapproving look."
Next, I was taken to a room that had three exam tables all lined up in a row. I was taken to the last one and asked to lie down. A medical assistant sat next to me and then a man in a white coat came over to me and started to make conversation. This felt familiar, I had had gynecologic procedures before. He was asking me about any plans I had for going to school and as I was answering him he suddenly started dilating my cervix without any explanation or pain medication.
The pain was unbearable and took my breath away. Very quickly I heard suction and terrible pain went through my body, a sensation I could have never imagined and one I cannot fully describe or ever forget. It felt as if the life was being sucked out of me, and it was. Within only a couple of minutes the whole procedure was over and I just lay there, shocked and feeling so empty.
This video is one in a series from www.abortionprocedures.com
I looked over and another woman had been brought in and was being asked to lie on the table next to me. We were being lined up like cattle. There was no privacy and everything was so rushed. It was horrible.
After they inspected what was suctioned out of my womb (known as POC, product of conception), I was taken back to the room where I had changed. I was told to sit there for a few minutes and was given juice and crackers. No one took my blood pressure or checked to see how much I was bleeding. The staff was very abrasive in their interactions. Looking back I realize that there was a cloud of spiritual darkness over that place.
As I sat there trying to process what had just happened, blood-curdling screams started coming from the abortion room. The woman who had instructed me to sit and eat the crackers burst into my room and asked me to leave. I went into the waiting room where I found my boyfriend, white-faced and standing at the door. He told me he thought that was me screaming and he was about to break down the door to come find me.
We went to the the front desk to check out and I left that place with discharge instructions, a pack of birth control pills, an empty womb, a confused mind and a broken heart. That day I felt as if I deserved any bad thing that might come my way. I knew I was guilty and deserved to be punished. For more than nine years I did not talk about that experience with anyone, including my boyfriend who became my husband. We went on to have two beautiful daughters and I was still convinced that if I became pregnant with a boy, I would abort to spare him a life with hemophilia.
"That day I felt as if I deserved any bad thing that might come my way. I knew I was guilty and deserved to be punished."
As I got older, the Lord was drawing me to himself through my sister’s prayers. One night while I was reading the Left Behind book she loaned me, I repented. I was faced with the sin of my abortion and with my selfishness of self-preservation and people-pleasing. I opened my heart to Jesus and asked him to forgive me, a terrible sinner. From that moment forward, I had a hunger to know my Savior. I started to read the Bible and go to church.
"I opened my heart to Jesus and asked him to forgive me, a terrible sinner. From that moment forward, I had a hunger to know my Savior."
Shortly after my time of repentance I got pregnant with my fourth child, a son who has hemophilia. Even though my husband and I were told how awful our son’s life would be and abortion was offered as our first option, I had resolved I would never do that again. My husband was in agreement with me, however, he did not say why. I know deep down he feels guilt about his sin of going along with the murder of our child, and the Lord is working on his heart too. I had never considered how abortion affected him until recent years. Abortion leaves a deep wound in men’s hearts too.
"Abortion -- Men Hurt in Silence" HERE
Jesus has taken me on an amazing journey of healing and restoration over these last 17 years since I first invited Him into my life. I am now born again, of the water in baptism in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of my sins, and I am filled with the Holy Spirit with power to speak about the redemptive power of Christ’s blood to save us all from sin.
I have forgiven myself and every person who didn’t support me in my time of need. I have forgiven my ob/gyn for shaming me in his office after the abortion—he did it publicly in front of staff and another patient. I have forgiven the doctor who performed the abortion and the staff who assisted in the abortion process. I now realize that we were all lost at that time. I am thankful I have been found and I pray that they will also come to a place of repentance and be saved.
"I have forgiven myself and every person who didn’t support me in my time of need."
Our Lord is the Redeemer! I am now evangelizing to women and men in a pro-life pregnancy center as the nurse manager. I have been blessed with the opportunity to counsel women on the reality of the life that is within them. I regularly turn the ultrasound screen toward their faces so they can see their babies as the humans they are, made in the image of God.
"I have been blessed with the opportunity to counsel women on the reality of the life that is within them. I regularly turn the ultrasound screen toward their faces so they can see their babies as the humans they are, made in the image of God."
I am able to speak life into situations that seem hopeless and show women and men the bigger picture. I am able to offer them the resources they need to carry the baby to term, to talk about the joys of parenting and the option of adoption if they can’t be the parents their child needs. I also can minister to post-abortive women and relate to women with a baby who might have something physically wrong with her/him. I can share my testimony of the destruction that abortion does to the hearts of women and men, and the sadness and regret that never goes away all the days of the rest of your life.
"I also can minister to post-abortive women and relate to women with a baby who might have something physically wrong with her/him."
Isaiah 61:1-4 says, “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captive, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations of many generations.”
"...to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified." ~ Isaiah 61:3
Jesus has saved my soul, and now He has chosen to use me to work with Him to save others. I am so thankful to Him for His redemptive work in my life and in my family. I can never thank Him enough for all of the wonderful things He has done for me, for His precious blood shed for me on Calvary.
"I am so thankful to Him for His redemptive work in my life and in my family."
Jesus recently gave me a vision of myself lying on that abortion table. I had always believed that I was alone during that time, but he showed me He was sitting right there holding my hand on that dreadful day. All the days of my life are written in His book. And I look forward to one day meeting my baby in heaven.
I am not ashamed to say: I had an abortion and it is my biggest regret in life. I am not ashamed of my testimony of brokenness and redemption in my Savior Jesus Christ. I owe everything to Him. In addition to using me at my workplace, he is using me in my home to teach my children the horrors of abortion and how precious EVERY life is.
"I had an abortion and it is my biggest regret in life. I am not ashamed of my testimony of brokenness and redemption in my Savior Jesus Christ."
He has blessed me with a son who is in very good health and all three of my children are pro-life. My daughters tell their friends about truth and where to find crisis pregnancy help if it is needed. I get to see minds and hearts changed and babies born who may have otherwise been snuffed out if the pregnancy center I work at didn’t exist.
The Lord makes a way where there seems to be no way, and nothing is impossible when we look to Him to change things! Romans 8:28 is very real to me: “And we know that all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
May the Lord’s will and purpose be done in my life! May His will and purpose be done in your life as well! There is nothing our God can’t do, and there is no sin from which he can’t save you. I pray that you will trust Him like I have and allow Him to do His redemptive work in your life. You will be amazed when you put your guard down and let him. We overcome the devil by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony, Revelation 12:11. Jesus is abundant in mercy and grace! Don’t ever doubt what He wants to do in and through you! God bless you.
There is nothing our God can’t do, and there is no sin from which he can’t save you. I pray that you will trust Him like I have and allow Him to do His redemptive work in your life.
Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain; unless the LORD protects the city, its watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for bread to eat— for He gives sleep to His beloved. Children are indeed a heritage from the LORD, and the fruit of the womb is His reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. He will not be put to shame when he confronts the enemies at the gate. ~ Psalm 127